Welcome to the Chez Tramper! Here, all of your hiking-day hunger will be assuaged by a multitude of gourmet grains, gorps, granolas, and chocolates. Our resident menu crafter has spent many hours meticulously counting calories and proportioning carbs, proteins, fats, fruits, and all-too-rare veggies into weeks of satisfying meals to tame your tastebuds. In fact, she has donated 85% of her apartment floor space to our establishment as a preparation and staging area. (She also hopes she did not frighten the maintenance guy during his recent unannounced visit, although she’s pretty sure she left a path between the door and the fuse box.)
Our menu crafter takes her job seriously. She begins by modifying the familiar food pyramid to meet hikers’ special caloric needs as well as weight and bulk restrictions. As a veteran of many a raisin overdose, she balances fiber with particular care. She supplies carbs liberally. She believes that pretzels are a fine addition to gorp, assuming they are passed through a mortar and pestle, and that ramen noodle dust is just as nutritious, easier to eat with a spoon, and certainly more convenient to pack, than ramen in its pristinely wavy form. For special occasions, she might suggest splurging on a liquid sauce to add to the night’s rice or pasta. A packet of palak paneer from the Indian foods aisle might be worth its unfortunate heft for its spinach-infested greenness on day 10 of your journey. Homemade granola is her specialty.
Protein is easier to bring to the woods than many imagine. Peanut butter and mixed nuts are longtime standbys, as are beef sticks and jerky. A trip to the natural foods co-op reveals multiple flavors of dried bean mix, and even everyday grocery stores offer vacuum-sealed packets of precooked chicken hidden among the tuna cans. Some protein also comes from the cheese in your macaroni and parmesan and from your crackers and Swiss or sharp cheddar.
You may soon come across the Chez Tramper brand off the trails. During the course of experimenting for ever-better tramping food products, our intrepid team of food scientists has discovered many substances new to epicurology. Entrepreneurial specialists are currently working to find alternate markets for these innovative substances. For example, our head research chef, deviating from a recipe for hardtack (bland but rugged crackers), discovered a process by which hockey pucks may be manufactured. Our peanut butter granola bars will be marketed to dentists as saliva sponges: pop a crumb in the patient’s cheek, and the good doctor won’t have to bother with his spit vacuum.
We offer a sampling of our fine menu below. Recipes are available upon request. Shipping and handling fees apply in addition to the basic per-meal cost and all applicable taxes.
1 comment:
Are you back, are you safe? Or is that Is it secret, is it safe? I never can tell...
Post a Comment